Day 7 in the mall

Morning:
I'm working on the fact that business is slow and will be slow until December. Kelly is sure to remind me of this every conversation we have. Her words consistantly ringing in my ears throughout the day gives me comfort to hold on. But for some reason I can't help but to think God is also trying to teach me something in this. I wanna be able to do this with no help. I want to depend on me and Big O, and the fact the others are helping me just...well, I'm not comfortable with it. Don't get me wrong it's not that I don't like help, I don't like NEEDING help. That's a huge difference.

I was telling Big O last night that not having a car makes me feel like a kid that has to ask permission where ever I go. I hate it! I think he really feels badly about it all. In my quest to to fulfill a dream, I've sacrificed our car. We kinda knew something was going on with the car before it happened, and because we were trying to get into the mall decided to use the money for the mall instead of the car. I'm feeling really guilty because instead of getting into this mall, I should've just taken care of the car. I did all the convincing that we would make enough money being in the mall to purchase another car if need be. Hummm, now I'm thinking how selfish of me. The entire family has to sacrifice for a dream that I want.

When does wanting to fulfill a passion in you become selfish? At what point do you stop it? Leaving the house this morning Lia Pooh locked all the doors, and hid my purse she said she didn't want me to leave today. She thought if she locked the doors I could call the mall and tell them that I couldn't leave my house because I was locked in. Her pleading with me this morning tore at every heart string I had. I looked her in the eye and said Lia Pooh this is only for a short time, I'm working to help the family...her reply was we don't need your help. Lol, bless her heart all she wants is her mommy, this boss stuff is running her crazy.

Afternoon:
No sales as of yet. The time is going in super slow speed and all I can do is look at all the faces around me. I wonder what are they thinking? What makes some people stop and what makes others just keep walking. December hurry up please!

Evening:
Still no sales. I talked to Kelly again this evening. She had great words of wisdom. I listened closely hanging on to every word. She's read my blog and wonders why I wasn't this upfront with her. To be honest I'm not an open person. I find it more comforting to type on a screen then to talk to a person. For some reason I also feel so judged by people and the less you give them the less they have to judge you by. Another sign of selfishness huh.

11 hours have come and gone. I don't know anybody that would work 11 hours and not get paid. Well, except me. I must be outta my mind. Today is a week since I've opened and I've worked a total of 72 hours making less then $2.00 an hour. Ugh!

My ride is here waiting on me this time. Nice! I'm home within 10 minutes of closing down my kiosk. I yell upstairs letting the kids know that I'm home. Boom, bang, boom here they come running and jumping down stairs, all in an effort to see their momma. Awe, the joys of motherhood. They help me forget about the long day at the mall and the stress of not bring home any money. They hug and kiss me squeezing really hard, Bud comes downs and jerks his head up and says what's up momma. I give him a head jerk back and say what's up BUD? We smile and start telling stories about our day. We do a little school work and off to bed they go. Brownie, went on a college fair trip with her DECA class she won't be home til after 11:00. I try to wait up but can't.

Confused Dreamer
Boss Momma